UNBRIDLED CYNICISM

where ANGER becomes ART

Extra Special Thanks go to Eric the Unnameable, who six years ago openly referred to me as a "Shithead Cynic" in Colloquy Class...
Thank You, Eric. Sincerely.

SPECIAL HOLIDAY EDITION!
Elmo, Consumerism, and Mass Quantities!

How this works:

I'm a bitter person. I, in general, think the general human population of this Earth have their opposable digits firmly lodged within their sphincters for a great majority of their lifetimes.

But that doesn't mean I can't have fun with all the stupid things that people (including myself) do!

First things first. I witness or am told about something that I think is on the stupid side. Then I go to great lengths to bitch and moan about it so that you might just be entertained or find that you are not alone in your frustrations.

I'm amazed at the large number of expensive cars that are manufactured without certain options that less expensive vehicles consider standard... such as turn signals and rear view mirrors. I mean, I refuse to accept that people who are smart enough to be able to earn enough money to pay for uber-cars like Mercedes-Benz and Infiniti would not understand how to use these things if they are included. I mean, they know how to use the brights when they want to pass you...

I'm so glad that we have people who can provide the rest of us morons with a safer world by protecting us all with their superior morals. Protecting us from evils like Mighty Mouse and the Smurfs. Protecting us from the wickedness of the Pet Shop Boys. Yes, it's always good to know that morally superior people like Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggart are around to protect us. Good to know that Tipper Gore and the PMRC are letting parents breathe easier by trying to get rid of anything that might possibly OFFEND any of them if their children saw it. Always a relief to have the U.S. Government step in when society has progressed beyond what should be allowed by that First Amendment to our Constitution and all the provisions of free speech. I mean, where would we be if we allowed everyone to have an opinion of their own...and to voice it, too! I feel so much safer when I'm told what should and should not upset me. It lets me get back to the important things... like watching all of the commercials on TV.

I know I live in a great country when all the major networks and news stations provide artists and musicians jobs by designing clever logos and themes to go along with all of the currently popular scandals and crises. And they all have such fast turn around, too! How long did it take to come up with the themes for Desert Storm or O.J. SImpson? Now that's efficiency!

Here's logic. The politicians continue to limit advertising on cigarettes and alcohol as well as raise taxes and try to place restrictions on these companies; yet, quite a few of these same politicians have made quite a lot of money from these ventures. Al Gore has owned tobacco fields and at one point even boasted about the amount of money he and his family made from them...and yet presently he publicly comes out against the tobacco companies and cigarettes. The Kennedy family, according to some sources, got a good start on their fortune by running whiskey during the '20s and '30s...not a bad idea, except for the fact that some silly government people happened to decide that it was illegal to even drink in the United States. So strong was their involvement in this 'industry' that they still reputedly make a portion off of every bottle of certain brands sold. Does this make sense to you? Especially when you consider what the sons did for a living...

The plague of governement is politics and politicians. They usually don't care about much more than helping themselves to their (and everyone else's) share of the American Dream. I liken them to the cool people in high school who were only worried about their reputations and images without having much substance.

Traffic and accidents are caused not by too many cars on the road, but too many stupid drivers in those cars. When was the last time you were stuck in traffic because of an accident up ahead... on the other side of the road? And everyone was more or less just slowing down to check it out! And then how many times has traffic been backed up on a two lane road just because there was one slow idiot in one of the lanes and everyone passing him in the next lane didn't spread out and get in the lane in front of the guy? DUH! Have you ever been in an accident when another driver was trying to be overly safe and going really slowly... while pulling out in front of you? How about the idiots who keep their signals on for a mile or so and do not turn until you start to pass them? And then there are the idiots who ride right in your blind spot. Yup. Gotta love it.

I've figured it out. Here's the way the new social security system works. The government has people break into the homes of recently retired individuals, creep up to the bed of the retiree, and scare them. BOO! A number of them die right there... that's why so many people just kick off right after retiring. But those who live are then congratulated and given new jobs by the government. They are given funds to purchase any car that gets less than 25 miles per gallon and that is around twenty feet long. They are then required to drive around aimlessly and, more importantly, slowly, while testing out new government scientific devices that home in on areas in front of anyone in a hurry. (Of course the auto manufacturers are in on this deal with the feds. Bigger cars cause more accidents, which sell more parts and new cars... I've got it all figured out.) They are also required to drive these new beasts to the closest shopping mall, sit on the benches and walk around aimlessly and slowly, often stopping to stare at things really closely. Then they go to the food court and stand in line for hours trying to make up their minds what to eat. Trust me. I know of what I speak.

A hypothetical situation: You go out and see a woman looking totally beautiful and super-gorgeous and not attached to a guy. You compliment her just trying to be friendly and perhaps even talk to her to find out what she's like. She looks at you like you're retarded or as if you've got the plague. You are shunned. As you retreat back to your hole with your friends laughing at you, you also hear a creeping laughter arise from behind as she proceeds to make you the conversation of the next week. You sense that you've done your good deed by providing her with material to practice her exercises in mockery. While your friends compliment you on your amazing social graces and sexual magnetism, you sense the girls have finished laughing at you for a while and are now complaining that there are just no good men in the world...men who will just be kind to them and talk to them and treat them as if they were human beings instead of just trying to get laid...



SPECIAL HOLIDAY STUFF!

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of...ELMO! Yes, it's true folks, you don't need to worry about happiness when you've got Elmo because Elmo is happiness. And hey, he's a bargain, too! Yes, you too can finally buy happiness for only $3,500 a shot! From Rosie O'Donnell and Bryant Gumbel's respective TV paradises to your child's greedy, grubby, whiny hands! You, too, can have your very own Tickle Me Elmo shipped in on a private jet from the plant in China just in time for Christmas! Oh, sure, it'll cost you, but just think about the next two weeks of mirth and giggles you'll hear from your tiny tot (ages 4 and over, please... and make sure that college grad you're buying it for doesn't try to put anything strange in their mouth!) when they start tickling their very own red ball of fur!
But just beware... just like that 6 year old kid who kissed that girl on his birthday, Tickle Me Elmo may bring a few law suits your way. Sexual harassment is reaching farther than ever before... I mean, how do you think Elmo feels about this? Sure, he's laughing right now and acting like he enjoys it, but don't you think he may be concerned about his job security? Look at the situation from his point of view a second... IT IS HIS JOB TO LAUGH AND BE TICKLED! The only thing that can save him is if ALL of the Elmo's get together to file that class action suit against the parents! But if even one Elmo backs down, the whole thing could just go up in flames.
Speaking of flames, isn't Elmo made out of polyester? Isn't that highly flammable? Parents, please... don't buy Tickle Me Elmo. He's not getting anything out of it, and your kids are at risk since good old harmless Elmo is a flipping FIRE HAZARD, especially since you thought that those lighters made such great stocking stuffers.

Yes, it's that time of year again... A time of holiday cheer... of friendship and brotherly love... of caring... a time of giving. Yes, that time when everyone goes out and struggles over the milk of human kindness. The malls are crowded with jolly souls laughing and singing... and shopping. Yes, it's Christmas time again and the age of plastic is in full swing. Again we're proving that there is no need for racial or cultural bias when we can all get together in the same lines and complain about that guy paying up front with a check! We can all roll down our windows despite the cold and shout out the season's greetin's like "Move your damned car, you bastard!" and "Get the hell out of my way!" It's a beautiful time... a time of togetherness and thoughtfulness. A time where we think of creative ways to spend those dollars we work so hard to earn the rest of the year. A time when Men try to think of a precious gift for that special someone. It's a time of Good Pieces of Earth and Willies for Men... or something like that.
The milk of human kindness: what does it taste like? That's a good question... kinda like Egg Nog. The good stuff, the stuff made with grain. No, don't touch the stuff made with other spirits... you've got to skip all that and get right down to the real meaning of Christmas in its purest form. It's a time of togetherness, right? And what better reason to get together than by being sloshed out of your skull on a spirit so strong that if you drink it too quickly it can kill you! THAT'S how you learn the true meaning of life...
What was I talking about? Oh yeah! Christmas! A time of giving...OH WHO CARES!!! Just WHIP OUT THOSE CARDS AND CHARGE IT! SPEND! SPEND! SPEND! Hey, it's for the good of the economy! Just remember that nearly 30% of the year's purchases come from the Christmas season...Go to the mall, kick a kid, charge a Porsche and be done with it! You're keeping America going, people!