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The human, my feline friends, is a most useful creature. When
properly trained to perform the duties we require of them, they
become a most useful accessory to any cat establishment. The human can be trained with kindness, firmness when needed, and above all patience. Some humans are a little slow at understanding us, but a quick nip is usually all that is required if they are being slow. Now, my friends, remember your main assets; your teeth, your claws and your voice. In a well trained human, using your voice should be all that is required - they should be able to anticipate our needs.
 Make sure you attain a wide repertoire of calls and demands. That way, they should easily be able to distinguish between the demand for milk and the demand for a door to be opened. If, by chance they should get it wrong, or try and serve you some inferior food item, simply throw it on the floor, give a disdainful look, and repeat your vocal demand. (Note - if your human tries to feed you an inferior form of tinned food, try and get as much as possible to go on the walls of the kitchen. It sticks like glue, and they'll spend ages trying to get it off. A most worthwhile lesson, and they are unlikely to repeat the mistake.) It's important that your human realises right from the start that only the best will do. Sometimes, the human is slow to respond to your voice. Then, they need a little persuasion. Here, the claws come in useful. If your meowmie has long hair, then try and position yourself fairly high up - on a kitchen work top for example. Then, if she bends down, or comes close enough, give a few sharp tugs on her hair. This is usually remarkably effective at concentrating her mind, and ensuring you are attended to straight away.
Now, a word on sleeping arrangements. Obviously you need a soft, warm area with room to stretch right out and roll over if necessary. The place where your meowmie and daddy sleep is usually the nicest. You should appropriate this, and be sure to let them know that it is only from the kindness of your heart that you are letting them share it with you. A note on waking a sleeping human - try the gentle way first. Purr loudly in your meowmie's ear - this will normally be all that is necessary. If the response is a bit slow, then give a smart nip to a finger or toe. It is important your humans realise that they should be on call 24 hours a day to tend to your needs and desires. The benefits of a well-trained human are well worth the initial effort, and your work will be rewarded with a lifetime of devoted service.
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