04-02-1997

Bedtime

by Kitten K. Boodles

Have you ever been soooooo close to that mouse? Chasing him and getting him cornered, with your excited paws twitching, claws extended, tail swishing , and drooling because you are so close you could just smell him?

What happens? Are you suddenly awakened by an Insensitive Human rolling over on top of you? Or maybe the Sleeping Menace kicks you? Another great dream ruined by the Human.

We must teach Humans that we are not appreciating the fact that they are insensitive to our bedtime needs. We have to have an average of 22.75 hours of slumber to store up energy to do the Crazy Kitty Run throughout the house! We also need to conserve because it takes a tremendous amount of energy just to watch the birds outside the window. They are clueless that we are exhausted after spending 10 whole minutes viciously attacking and shredding that rolled up piece of paper in the corner. That is hard work! Lets see the Human get down on the floor and reach under the baseboard to destroy the enemy! They don't even clean under there half the time.

We can not allow the Human to continue waking us up, rudely slamming doors and making obnoxious noises with those plastic things they return from the Human Hunting Place with. Granted, they bring us home food in those noisy plastic thingies, but they should be sensitive to the fact that we are sleeping.

We deserve the bed, too. After all, we are protecting the house for goodness sakes! We have to be well rested to kill those synthetic vermin they give us. We also have to be in tip-top shape to attack tiny Nothings in the corner. And, we have to be wide eyed and bushy tailed to alert our Humans that there may actually be a big gigantic Bug on the wall! We need to be comfortable! We need our rest! Slumber is food for the Kitty soul. There is nothing worse than getting chased off the warm bed that you have made a purfectly rounded "fit-for-you" spot when they destroy it to lay down themselves. Plus, they take up so much room it isn't funny. They kick you, shove you, roll over on you, for what? We are cuddling up for great reasons! And they mess this up.

Here are some things for you to do to get even with the Humans. Make sure you alone dictate what time they go to bed. Keep them from enjoying their sleep so they can see what it is like! Wait until they crawl in, tuck themselves in, turn out the light, and do one of, or a combination of, the following things:

To Make The Human Get Out Of Bed

Shove something heavy off of the table.
Knock over the precariously piled pots in the kitchen. (Makes a lot of noise!)
Start Yowling at the top of your lungs. This worries them that maybe you hurt yourself.
Mew in a whining voice. They get worried about this noise for some reason.
Jump on to the bed and race around on top of the Humans aiming for weak and vulnerable spots such as chest, lap and head.
Start scratching at a wall or door.
Louder!
Step on that remote thingie and turn on the Great Flickering Box, adjusting the volume so that it can shatter glass and vibrate the floors.
Bang your head against the door. (A hollow one makes more noise)
Start flushing the Great Ceramic Throne.
Attack the Roll Of Never Ending Paper they have in the Great Ceramic Throne Room.
Get the end of the Never Ending Paper and run through the house.
Get the end of the Never Ending Paper and start Flushing!
Grab the end of the yarn Mom is using to make (presumably you) a blanket for and be SpiderCat! Weave your yarn around various chairs and table making sure you go around and around the legs of every table, chair or even lamp. This will be sure to baffle them. (I do this one myself.)
Get in a crinkley paper bag and make as much noise as you can.

Some Other Tricks

Breathe loudly in their face.
Give them a Kitty Pedicure. (Suddenly attack the bare Human foot with enough Fangs and Claws to make them jump)
Shove a paw up their nose. (works wonders for me with my Mom)
Run all over the bed making sure to step on them.
Stretch out on the Humans Face. (If they can't breathe, they will wake up in a hurry!)
Get under the covers and crawl around. They may believe a monster has gotten in the bed with them and have a nightmare.
Hit the 'on' button on the clock radio thingie. Make sure the volume is up.
Drop gray synthetic mouses on their face.
Drool in their ear.
Yowl
Run from room to room making no more noise than a continuous "rrrrrrrrrruuuuupppppppp."e;
Start sharpening your Claws on the Sofa! Or the new Oriental Rug! Ha ha!

There are so many things a Kitty can do to get even. The important thing is to make sure the Human knows what it feels like to get interrupted, like they do to us. We must make the world safe for Kitties to sleep in once again. Are your eyes getting tired? Poor Kitty! Get some rest! After all, you just spent 120 seconds just reading this! I think it's time for a nap now.....That vermin is waiting for you.......I can hear him squeaking now......Z Z Z Z Z ZZZZZZZ...

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