Human Training

Willy Elmo, Ph.C

Knowing me to be something of an expert on this subject, Henry Von Tudor asked me to do a monthly column on human training.

Hopefully all you BFCC members already have your humans trained, but different cats have diifferent methods, and one can never gain enough knowledge on this subject, right? So let this be a forum in which we club members share our ideas. .

Willy Ph.C


Kitten K. Boodles

Humans, like dogs, are quite easy to train. Sometimes a subtle approach is best. Of course, just like us, some humans are more stubborn then others. In these cases, more aggresive measures may be required.

image It's a whole new year furry friends! Boo and I look forward to hearing YOUR methods of training the human!

To refresh us on some of the basics of Human Training, Boo has written a most delightful and inspiring poem. Enjoy!




A Poem

By Kitten K. Boodles

Training your human is a thankless task.
"Why bother with it?", some kittens may ask.
The fate of the world is the issue at hand,
as felines worldwide stake a claim for their land.
Make no bones about it, we cats own the joint.
We spray in the corners to drive home the point.

Some say the meek shall inherit the Earth,
But they've no fangs or claws, for what that's worth.
The cat is the ultimate species, you see,
We're poised to usurp man's authority.
These silly old humans who cannot play nice!
We cats are peaceful, we hate only mice.

Just what does training your human entail?
A host of fun things you must do without fail:
The sofas and rugs need a little makeover.
The La-Z-Boy's target for kitty takeover.
Then sleep on clean towels placed in the guest bath.
And make their best clothing a target of wrath.

Tear down those new drapes with a quick forceful tug.
Then tatter the pile of the new berber rug.
And when they are sleeping, you block off their nose,
paw at their lower lip, chew on their toes.
Strut on the mantle. If they give any flack,
knock down their trophies and all bric-a-brac.


Shed on mom's new velvet black evening gown,
as she's headed out for a night on the town.
If they leave you home all alone for the night,
(Any human doing this can't be all that bright),
They're telling you by leaving, it's perfectly all right,
To totally redecorate 'til dawn's early light.
Knock over tables and chew up the fern.
Hurry, go faster! Soon, they'll return...

When they try to punish, you mustn't show concern.
(All attempts of discipline a pussycat should spurn).
A snide flick of tail will convey no remorse,
but they will try harder to scold you, of course!
So, hide in the closet until they forget,
and then launch out just like an F-14 jet.

Tear up their ankle, their forearm, their hand,
then when they've had all the pain they can stand,
dart from the room while they call 9-1-1,
and celebrate victory: The felines have won!
To humans, however, the battle's begun,
as they steep in their anger and wish for a gun.

Pathetic and lumbering and clumsy to boot,
My friend, human dominance is really a hoot.
Take charge in your home. It's destiny, meow.
(The verses above have already told how).
So sleep for an hour, and then grab some chow,
And then train your human, beginning right now.





C'mon guys! Send us your ideas, and we will post them on this page. We can always use some fresh tips on the never-ending challenge of training the human. We don't want them to get too complacent.


Prof. Willy

The Archives

Past articles by Willy and Boo,
and lots of other
Human Traning Expurrts!

Be sure to check out

Boo's Human Training Tips



cat school
A human training course
is now being offered at the CLAW school.
I am co-teaching this class with
Kitten K. Boodles,
a renowned specialist in this field.
Paws on the keyboard , Kitties!
Send me your ideas!
claw award


BFCC linkHenry

The Back Fence Cat Club


The Litter Box

Special Thanks to the magnificent Henry, and his devoted human :)
A couple of graphics provided by Vikimouse.
This page might look like doodoo if you're not using Netscape or Microsoft Internet Explorer.