Home Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4 Step 5 Step 6 Step 7 Step 8 Step 9 Step 10 Step 11 Step 12
Step Five
"Admitted
to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our
wrongs."
All
of A.A.'s Twelve Steps ask us to go contrary to our natural desires . . .
they all deflate our egos. When it comes to ego deflation, few Steps are harder
to take than Five. But scarcely any Step is more necessary to longtime sobriety
and peace of mind than this one. A.A. experience has taught us we cannot
live alone with our pressing problems and the character defects which cause
or aggravate them. If we have swept the searchlight of Step Four back and
forth over our careers, and it has revealed in stark relief those experiences
we'd rather not remember, if we have come to know how wrong thinking and
action have hurt us and others, then the need to quit living by ourselves
with those tormenting ghosts of yesterday gets more urgent than ever. We have
to talk to somebody about them. So intense, though, is our fear and reluctance
to do this, that many A.A.'s at first try to bypass Step Five. We search
for an easier way--which usually consists of the general and fairly painless
admission that when drinking we were sometimes bad actors. Then, for good
measure, we add dramatic descriptions of that part of our drinking behavior
which our friends probably know about anyhow. But of the things which really
bother and burn us, we say nothing. Certain distressing or humiliating memories,
we tell ourselves, ought not be shared with anyone. These will remain our
secret. Not a soul must ever know. We hope they'll go to the grave with us.
Yet if A.A.'s experience means anything at all, this is not only unwise,
but is actually a perilous resolve. Few muddled attitudes have caused us
more trouble than holding back on Step Five. Some people are unable to stay
sober at all; others will relapse periodically until they really clean house.
Even A.A. old timers, sober for years, often pay dearly for skimping this
Step. They will tell how they tried to carry the load alone; how much they
suffered of irritability, anxiety, remorse, and depression; and how, unconsciously
seeking relief, they would sometimes accuse even their best friends of the
very character defects they themselves were trying to conceal. They always
discovered that relief never came by confessing the sins of other people.
Everybody had to confess his own. This practice of admitting one's defects
to another person is, of course, very ancient. It has been validated in
every century, and it characterizes the lives of all spiritually centered
and truly religious people. But today religion is by no means the sole advocate
of this saving principle. Psychiatrists and psychologists point out the deep
need every human being has for practical insight and knowledge of his own
personality flaws and for a discussion of them with an understanding and
trustworthy person. So far as alcoholics are concerned, A.A. would go even
further. Most of us would declare that without a fearless admission of our
defects to another human being we could not stay sober. It seems plain that
the grace of God will not enter to expel our destructive obsessions until
we are willing to try this. What are we likely to receive from Step
Five? For one thing, we shall get rid of that terrible sense of isolation
we've always had. Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness.
Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all
of us suffered the feeling that we didn't quite belong. Either we were shy,
and dared not draw near others, or we were apt to be noisy good fellows craving
attention and companionship, but never getting it--at least to our way of
thinking. There was always that mysterious barrier we could neither surmount
nor understand. It was as if we were actors on a stage, suddenly realizing
that we did not know a single line of our parts. That's one reason we loved
alcohol too well. It did let us act extemporaneously. But even Bacchus boomeranged
on us; we were finally struck down and left in terrified loneliness. When
we reached A.A., and for the first time in our lives stood among people who
seemed to understand, the sense of belonging was tremendously exciting. We
thought the isolation problem had been solved. But we soon discovered that
while we weren't alone any more in a social sense, we still suffered many
of the old pangs of anxious apartness. Until we had talked with complete candor
of our conflicts, and had listened to someone else do the same thing, we
still didn't belong. Step Five was the answer. It was the beginning of true
kinship with man and God. This vital Step was also the means by which we
began to get the feeling that we could be forgiven, no matter what we had
thought or done. Often it was while
working on this Step with our sponsors or spiritual advisers that we first
felt truly able to forgive others, no matter how deeply we felt they had
wronged us. Our moral inventory had persuaded us that all-round forgiveness
was desirable, but it was only when we resolutely tackled Step Five that
we inwardly knew we'd be able to receive forgiveness and give it, too.
Another great dividend we may expect from confiding our defects to another
human being is humility--a word often misunderstood. To those who have made
progress in A.A., it amounts to a clear recognition of what and who we really
are, followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be. Therefore,
our first practical move toward humility must consist of recognizing
our deficiencies. No defect can be corrected unless we clearly see what
it is. But we shall have to do more than see. The objective look at ourselves
we achieved in Step Four was, after all, only a look. All of us saw,
for example, that we lacked honesty and tolerance, that we were beset at
times by attacks of self-pity or delusions of personal grandeur. But while
this was a humiliating experience, it didn't necessarily mean that we had
yet acquired much actual humility. Though now recognized, our defects were
still there. Something had to be done about them. And we soon found that
we could not wish or will them away by ourselves. More realism and therefore
more honesty about ourselves are the great gains we make under the influence
of Step Five. As we took inventory, we began to suspect how much trouble
self-delusion had been causing us. This had brought a disturbing reflection.
If all our lives we had more or less fooled ourselves, how could we now be
so sure that we weren't still self-deceived? How could we be certain that
we had made a true catalog of our defects and had really admitted them, even
to ourselves? because we were still bothered by fear, self-pity, and
hurt feelings, it was probable we couldn't appraise ourselves fairly at all.
Too much guilt and remorse might cause us to dramatize and exaggerate our
shortcomings. Or anger and hurt pride might be the smoke screen under which
we were hiding some of our defects while we blamed others for them. Possibly,
too, we were still handicapped by many liabilities, great and small, we never
knew we had. Hence it was most evident that a solitary self-appraisal, and
the admission of our defects based upon that alone, wouldn't be nearly enough.
We'd have to have outside help if we were surely to know and admit the truth
about ourselves--the help of God and another human being. Only by discussing
ourselves, holding back nothing, only by being willing to take advice and
accept direction could we set foot on the road to straight thinking, solid
honesty, and genuine humility. Yet many of us still hung back. We said, "Why
can't `God as we understand Him' tell us where we are astray? If the Creator
gave us our lives in the first place, then He must know in every detail where
we have since gone wrong. Why don't we make our admissions to Him directly?
Why do we need to bring anyone else into this?" At this stage, the difficulties
of trying to deal rightly with God by ourselves are twofold. Though we may
at first be startled to realize that God knows all about us, we are apt to
get used to that quite quickly. Somehow, being alone with God doesn't seem
as embarrassing as facing up to another person. Until we actually sit down
and talk aloud about what we have so long hidden, our willingness to clean
house is still largely theoretical. When we are honest with another person,
it confirms that we have been honest with ourselves and with God. The second
difficulty is this: what comes to us alone may be garbled by our own rationalization
and wishful thinking. The benefit of talking to another person is that we
can get his direct comment and counsel on our situation, and there can be
no doubt in our minds what that advice is. Going it alone in spiritual matters
is dangerous. How many times have we heard well-intentioned people claim
the guidance of God when it was all too plain that they were sorely mistaken.
Lacking both practice and humility, they had deluded themselves and were
able to justify the most arrant nonsense on the ground that this was what
God had told them. It is worth noting that people of very high spiritual
development almost always insist on checking with friends or spiritual advisers
the guidance they feel they have received from God. Surely, then, a novice
ought not lay himself open to the chance of making foolish, perhaps tragic,
blunders in this fashion. While the comment or advice of others may be by
no means infallible, it is likely to be far more specific than any direct
guidance we may receive while we are still so inexperienced in establishing
contact with a Power greater than ourselves. Our next problem will be to
discover the person in whom we are to confide. Here we ought to take much
care, remembering that prudence is a virtue which carries a high rating.
Perhaps we shall need to share with this person facts about ourselves which
no others ought to know. We shall want to speak with someone who is experienced,
who not only has stayed dry but has been able to surmount other serious difficulties.
Difficulties, perhaps, like our own. This person may turn out to be one's
sponsor, but not necessarily so. If you have developed a high confidence
in him, and his temperament and problems are close to your own, then such
a choice will be good. Besides, your sponsor already has the advantage of
knowing something about your case. Perhaps, though, your relation to him
is such that you -would care to reveal only a part of your story. If this
is the situation, by all means do so, for you ought to make a beginning as
soon as you can. It may turn out, however, that you'll choose someone else
for the more difficult and deeper revelations. This individual may be entirely
outside of A.A.--for example, your clergyman or your doctor. For some of
us, a complete stranger may prove the best bet. The real tests of the situation
are your own willingness to confide and your full confidence in the one with
whom you share your first accurate self-survey. Even when you've found the
person, it frequently takes great resolution to approach him or her. No one
ought to say the A.A. program requires no willpower; here is one place you
may require all you've got. Happily, though, the chances are that you will
be in for a very pleasant surprise. When your mission is carefully explained,
and it is seen by the recipient of your confidence how helpful he can really
be, the conversation will start easily and will soon become eager. Before
long, your listener may well tell a story or two about himself which will
place you even more at ease. Provided you hold back nothing, your sense of
relief will mount from minute to minute. The dammed-up emotions of years
break out of their confinement, and miraculously vanish as soon as they are
exposed. As the pain subsides, a healing tranquillity takes its place.
And when humility and serenity are so combined, something else of great moment
is apt to occur. Many an A.A., once agnostic or atheistic, tells us that
it was during this stage of Step Five that he first actually felt the presence
of God. And even those who had faith already often become conscious of God
as they never were before. This feeling of being at one with God and man,
this emerging from isolation through the open and honest sharing of our terrible
burden of guilt, brings us to a resting place where we may prepare ourselves
for the following Steps toward a full and meaningful sobriety.
Home Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4 Step 5 Step 6 Step 7 Step 8 Step 9 Step 10 Step 11 Step 12